"Women, I’ve had a billion gins, so I’m going to give you all the advice you need for 2014:
1) Only hang out with people who make you feel comfortable and happy.
2) Get a bra you can dance in. I highly recommend the Marie-jo from Rigby & Peller. Spendy, but a life-time sex-dance investment.
3) Find what you would do for free, and try and find a way to get paid for it as your job. Everything good in the world comes from love.
4) Drink shit-tons of gin and listen to Daft Punk, Lorde, MIA, Kanye West and prime Bowie. All your revolutionary needs will be met.
5) Read as many books as you can - every book you read means you absorb another life. It’s the most pleasurable power-up ever.
6) You don’t need mascara if you’re wearing eye-liner. Spend your spare fiver on tights.
7) Never complain, never explain. No-one is paying you for either. Shine on you crazy diamond. Carry on your mission.
8) Ghostbusters is the greatest film ever because the main protagonists never fall out with each other. There is a lesson here.
9) Hair looks its best two days after washing, pumped with dry shampoo, and back-combed. YOU DON’T NEED A HAIRDRESSER.
10) A wobbly belly is the sexy birthright of all women.
12) (is it 12? I’m pissed) Always presume everyone you are dealing with has recently received bad news. Be gentle & forgiving.
13) There has never been a party better than eating a baked potato on the sofa watching “Cheers.”
14) The best eye-liner is Rimmel.
15) The best deodorant is 24-Hour Sure. Spray-ons don’t work. If you’re very sweaty, buy under-arm pads.
19) (literally lost count) full a pot with sunflower oil, salt & essential oil for the world’s cheapest shower exfoliant/moisturiser.
20) Become sweatily exhilarant at least three times a week - dancing, swimming, listening to music, walking. Exercise your body like a dog.
21) Feel fat? a) FUCK THE PATRIARCHY b) princess-line. This is the dress-shape that makes everything better.
53) When in doubt, listen to “Heroes” by David Bowie. You will always know what to do afterwards.
23) All concepts of Hell are simply the idea of you suffering for being unkind.
24) Sailors fighting in the dance-hall. Oh man, look at those cave-men go.
473) “And in the end, the love you make, is equal to the love you take.”
1974) If you don’t feel “normal”, your mission is to make your abnormal “normal”. I refer you, again, to David Bowie.
183636) Similarly, freaks, when people say, “That is not what we do,” you reply, “That is not what we do - YET.”
And then you smoke a cigarette whilst “Let’s Dance” plays.
bong) give me your hands, because you’re wonderful
48373) tights, boots, shorts, t-shirt, revolution.
HOT TRAMP I LOVE YOU SO. Mum says I have to get off the internet now.
*expansive arm gesture* PEOPLE ON STREETS *is put into bed*
“I want to do great things, as men do.”"
A MILLION LATTE SALUTES TO YOU, MR. STEWART.
School is a battlefield for your heart. So when Rayanne Graff told me my hair was holding me back, I had to listen. ‘Cause she wasn’t just talking about my hair. She was talking about my life.